Redemption: A Joyful Run (Part I)

(Looking for Part II?)

You may have read about my attitude problems from Saturday; it wasn't a particularly tough run, but I sure made it one. Post-run left me feeling a bit down on myself, and rather guilty. Matt and I talked about the issues we were having (I mostly listened), and I feel like we're in a better place. Before I get to the recap of Monday's run, I figured I would share some things that have kept me going this week.

First, this article, "Why Run: If lacing up is fun for you, you don't need a reason. The rest of us do" from the Newbie Chronicles column in the July issue of Runner's World mag. I love this whole series but the July article - about finding motivation to run when running sucks - really spoke to me. I found it while leafing through the magazine on Sunday, with all the weight of Saturday's failures on my mind. My favorite excerpt:

"I hated running for over a year. I know, hate is a strong word. You know what a stronger word is? Superhate. In my first year and a half, I superhated running every time I went out... What I've become is the person who will never quit running no matter how bad it sometimes feels." - Marc Parent

I can identify with that. Saturday was one of those days I superhated running. I'm really blessed right now to be in a place where I generally enjoy at least PART of a run, and I sometimes have really transcendent runs (like Monday) which make it all worth while. I definitely aspire to be the kind of person who will never quit running (barring serious injury or illness, of course).

Over the course of my life, I have rarely been what you would call "tenacious". In fact, I had a general tendency to quit things as soon as they got difficult or uncomfortable. I would quit anything, no matter the stakes. I quit things I loved, really really loved. Bullies in band? Just quit. Don't like your lab professor? Drop that class. Relationship not perfect? Dump 'em. Not the smartest kid at school anymore? Stop showing up.

Sometime after 20, I started to change. I was finally sober (after many half-hearted attempts). I had a steady grown-up job.  I started dating a very reliable/consistent/earthy guy (who became my husband). I became a Christian. I went to all my classes, even the ones I didn't like. I started running.

I remember, very clearly, the first time I actually ran a whole mile as an adult.  It was incredibly hard and emotional (I don't even remember how long it took). I ran it on a treadmill at 360 Fitness. I was huffing and puffing and wanted to quit, but I kept thinking about all the times I had quit before... and all the people who had defined me as unathletic (my stepdad, my siblings, my junior high gym coach, that 8th grade cheerleader bully, the jr. varsity softball team, those guys senior year of high school). I needed to prove to myself - just one time - that I could finish. something. hard. And I did. This single act, this decision to endure even though no one was watching, changed my life.

My first mile was a spiritual experience which opened so many personal doors for me. I cracked open the door to that part of my character which knew how to be tenacious, not just in running but in everything - marriage, faith, school, career. That's why I have to keep running, even when I superhate it. And like all things, my attitude DOES matter.

I aspire to maintain gratitude for the health which allows me to run at all; for the freedoms I enjoy as a woman in America; for the women runners who paved the way before me in the 60s and 70s; for my husband and partner; for all of you wonderful people whom I know and do not know, who visit this blog and leave wonderful inspirational comments; for the people and the God who never gave up on me.

(Continue on to PART II)